Waiting for You
by yaosama
Summary: He wanted to be the one to light up Kanda's life, but life wasn't a fairy tale for them. Part of the series "Words of the Flowers".


_Perhaps it was you, or maybe it was me. But none of it matters now, now that you're gone._

Lavi never understood why, but Kanda's room was generally accepted as the darkest and plainest room in the whole of the Dark Order. Everyone who had a room here treated the Dark Order like home, and the room was, for many, their retreat after a long, tiring mission, and everyone liked to decorate their room so that it felt closer to home. Like how Lenalee's room would have stuffed toys and pretty dresses, and how Lavi's room would be filled be tons of books, each and every room would be decorated to reflect the inner world of the owner.

But not Kanda's.

The first time Lavi stepped into Kanda's room, he didn't that it was room someone had been staying in for several years; he thought it was just another spare room, waiting for someone to occupy it. There was only the barest of furniture, a desk and a chair, a bed and a wardrobe. The only 'decoration' was the lotus hourglass by the bedside.

And right at that moment, Lavi's heart ached for Kanda.

… Is that your inner world, Yuu?

Because there is nothing but overwhelming darkness.

And it was then when Lavi decided to become the person who is going to light up Kanda's life.

Kanda didn't know why, but apparently Lavi had an obsession for daffodils. Perhaps it was the abundance of the bright yellow flowers that grew in a field near the Order, or maybe it was the warm sunshine glow that the flowers brought with them, he never understood why, but he began to like them too.

And every morning, without fail, Lavi would appear at his door with a bunch of daffodils in hand. Kanda will proceed to threaten Lavi that if he destroyed any more flowers he would slice him up before accepting the flowers. That became their morning routine.

But habit was a terrible thing.

Kanda probably didn't know, but Lavi had his own reasons for choosing daffodils. Lavi still remembered the first time he took Kanda to the daffodil field, and they had stayed there for the whole afternoon, with Lavi explaining the different meanings of daffodils, how yellow ones meant one thing, and white ones meant another, and how the meanings differ in different parts of the world.

But there was one meaning he did not tell Kanda.

He didn't really mean to hide it from Kanda; part of him wanted so dearly to tell him; another part wanted Kanda to find out for himself; but most of all, he just wanted to stay by Kanda's side, and continue to bring a little light to Kanda's life.

But that wasn't the ending waiting for them. Because they were neither princes nor princesses, because life wasn't a fairy tale with a happy ending, because fate was cruel to them, to break them up.

It came as a shock to him, when Kanda faced the redhead lying peacefully in the casket. Kanda wasn't sure how it happened, how Lavi could die in just the two days that he wasn't in the Order. All he did was to go on a recon mission, and when he came back, all that was left was a hard, wooden coffin.

Kanda's reaction was unexpectedly calm. He did not cry, he did not shout. All he did was to take a last look at Lavi, and plant a kiss on Lavi's forehead.

_Because it is our final goodbye._

He just whispered "さようなら*" into Lavi's ears, a whisper so heartbreaking, full of pain and love.

And Kanda left, without turning back a second time.

When Kanda woke up the second day, the first thing he saw was the bunch of daffodils in the pretty glass vase by the window. He thought he had seen Lavi, but then shook his head, dismissing it as a mere illusion.

_Because you meant so much to me._

Life went on as usual. The death of one person did not affect the usual routine of the Order. Nobody seemed to remember that until a week ago there had been a fiery-haired exorcist called Lavi. There were Akumas to be destroyed, Innocences to be retrieved, training to be continued with. The only difference was that Kanda no longer had to receive the bouquet of daffodils each morning, and the gloomy atmosphere that had been absent for a long time had returned to Kanda's room.

To others, Kanda seemed completely unaffected by Lavi's death. Only Lenalee knew, and she only knew because she happened to pass by Kanda's room in the night and had heard the most heart-wrenching sob. And from then onwards, each night, she would "pass by" Kanda's room and listen to the muffled sounds of crying from inside.

On the 10th of August, the first birthday of Lavi since his death, Kanda didn't appear for an entire day.

He didn't do anything, he just went to the daffodil field and stayed there the whole day. He thought about that day he spent here with Lavi, about the different meanings of daffodils Lavi told him that, about how all of these were supposed to fit in when Lavi's gone. And just for once, he thought of all the things he would say to Lavi if he had another chance, of all the things they would do, about how he would never again threaten Lavi with Mugen, and most of all, how he would tell Lavi that he actually loved him, so that Lavi knew.

_Just for one day, let me immerse myself in this illusion, that you're still here with me._

Kanda didn't expect to be found, least of all by Lenalee. He had expected some sort of comfort or lecture, telling him to stop wallowing in sadness and self-pity, but instead, Lenalee asked him a question.

"Kanda, do you know the meaning behind these flowers?"

"…The white ones mean vanity and the yellow ones mean honour."

"Those are meanings of daffodils, but these are jonquils."

"And they mean, return my affections."

"Big brother only told me this a couple of days ago, but Lavi is not dead yet. He just left the Order to record history elsewhere. Perhaps one day he would come back."

"Are you willing to wait for him, Kanda?"

Kanda just gave a bitter smile.

_Anything for my illusion to come true._

And from then onwards, Kanda never cried again. The jonquils reappeared in the pretty glass vase by the window, except this time, he was one picking them.

_I can do nothing but wait. I will do nothing but wait._

Kanda waited and waited, one year, two years, until the war was over, until he was free to leave the Order. But he stayed behind, in his dark room lighted up only by the sunny flowers, believing that Lavi would show up someday.

"…優，ただいま。**"

And maybe he did.

*さようなら - goodbye  
**優，ただいま - Yuu, I'm back (home)

A/N: First I would like to clarify that daffodils do have many meanings, such as honour, vanity, but there are variations that do mean "return my affections", and I hope I've got this correct. And I would like to apologize for the Japanese to those non-Japanese readers, because I thought it was a really nice image to have Kanda and Lavi speaking Japanese for a change (instead of English). Please also ignore the fact that daffodils usually don't bloom in August (I made that up :P). If I have made any mistakes, please point it out (I don't speak Jap either), and I hope you've enjoyed reading it.


End file.
